On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
absolutely not
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls