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have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace