if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
You Might Also Like
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
what
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Meth is short for Elizameth.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy