My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
S O O N
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
This is why I hate group projects