*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”