My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
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Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Sounds like a bargain
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”