[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards