Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
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#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane