100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
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Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: