At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
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So creative 😂
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive