People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
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The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Any refunds available?…
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”