My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
When someone says you are so lazy
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.