Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.