Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through