Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
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Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Breaking news:
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt