sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
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*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.