Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don鈥檛 know what i鈥檓 doing
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don鈥檛 even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven鈥檛 been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Me: I鈥檓 an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
me: did you know there鈥檚 a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I鈥檓 not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par鈥攚hat did they name it after?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 馃檨
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it鈥檚 full of skeletons now
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN鈥橳 LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
i’ve had this nightmare before 馃槺
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.