Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
From Facebook just now…
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”