Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
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turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?