Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?