Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I told my vodka about you.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”