ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
You Might Also Like
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.