What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
You Might Also Like
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don鈥檛 forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that鈥檚 cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it鈥檚 kinda creepy.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13鈥檚 unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Haven鈥檛 seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don鈥檛 tell me which lamp falls over.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 馃槀
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
At my daughter鈥檚 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she鈥檚 eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she鈥檇 ever actually met a 4yo.
oh you wanna fight?!
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool 鉂わ笍 my culture is not your costume
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.