Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.