[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
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Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date