One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach