Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
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Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
do u think theres a butter planet?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.