I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
The answer is funnier than the question
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
me 2 months after i graduated
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.