Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Awesome parenting 😂
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out