How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
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Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Only Americans understand
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy