Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
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[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Fight
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes