A comma is just a period with a mullet.
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Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.