A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
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Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Kids: Stay in school.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind