My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Skills
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.