9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
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Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Oops I deleted….
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
*puts cutlery down*
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Me if I was a dog
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Awesome parenting 😂
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer