My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.