“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Hitlers gonna hitl
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt