Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.