just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
mechanics be like
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.