Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
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He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]