i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
You Might Also Like
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift