Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
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I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
termite twitter scares me
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.