“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
You Might Also Like
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Me irl
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
set yourself free xox
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon