9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
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There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
me doing my best
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.