Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
You Might Also Like
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes