my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
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Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour