Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
You Might Also Like
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.