This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
You Might Also Like
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.