A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?