I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.